The Hamburger Crisis
by astro.pancakes
Summary: Tony has been content to stay on earth after his ship crashed in America due to the constant supply of hamburgers and other tasty American foods. But when Alfred gets a call from Arthur... full summary inside  USUK from Tony's point of view.
1. The Hamburger Crisis

**Hello everyone! This idea sprang up out of an awesome (if I may borrow Gilbert's word) conversation that came up during a really awesome (if I may steal Gilbert's word for the second time in one sentence) role-play. I have to say that Tony's pretty fun to write since he's completely alien to human cultures except for America's, which probably isn't a very good basis to judge human customs by in the first place. So, here you go: USUK from Tony's point of view. I hope you enjoy it!**

**Full summary: **_Tony has been content to stay on earth after his ship crashed in America due to the constant supply of hamburgers and other tasty American foods. But when Alfred gets a call from Arthur and the two begin to hang out again, Tony may just be in danger of having his burger money stolen by his worst enemy: England. USUK from Tony's Point of view. _

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><p>The telephone was ringing.<p>

Tony looked up from the TV, pressing the pause button on the game controller at the TV. Why was the phone ringing? No one ever really called America's house unless there was some sort of emergency. If there _was_ an emergency, Alfred's cell phone would have been dialed given the American's tendency to make fast food runs throughout the day, not his house phone. If nothing was wrong, why was Alfred's phone ringing at nine o'clock at night?

Tony glanced over at Alfred who was laying on the mountain of covers and pillows they'd piled up in the living room for the Alfred's "completely necessary for the continuation of life" videogame time. Said man looked just as puzzled as Tony felt. "Uh… I guess I should go grab that, huh?" he mumbled before laying his remote down and rushing to the phone hanging in the kitchen.

Tony shrugged and turned back to the game, restarting it without waiting for Alfred. If the earthling would rather spend his time chatting on the phone, it wasn't Tony's fault he'd get left behind. Besides, it wasn't as though Tony cared what Alfred did. As long as there was a fresh supply of burgers, his burger-providing earthling, and a roof, he really didn't care why Alfred's phone had randomly begun to ring in the evening.

One boss level later, Tony still didn't care.

Two bosses down and Tony had yet to care why Alfred hadn't returned. If it were something bad, the vocal American would have made it known… Right?

Three bosses down and Tony gave the equivalent of a sigh.

And hour and a half and one completed game later, Tony shut the consul off. Of course he wasn't checking up on Alfred because he cared what the earthling was talking about and eavesdropping, on Tony's planet, was legally considered the invasion of one's thoughts, not speech, so that wasn't what he was doing. He was just in the process of making sure that his food supply and nation hadn't been damaged in any way. After all, Alfred was prone to illogical and even downright stupid tendencies.

Tony, being an intergalactic master of stealth slipped up to the door unnoticed, not acknowledging the fact that he probably could have made as much noise as physically possible and still go undetected by the American. He peaked into the kitchen to find Alfred sitting at the table, the white primitive—to Tony, anyway—telephone pressed to his ear. What interested Tony was the fact that Texas was folded neatly and sitting on the table next to Alfred's elbow while the American pressed his free hand to his forehead.

_This reeks of a limey…_

"No, dude," Alfred sighed, sounding more serious than Tony had heard in years, "I understand. I'm not _that_ stupid."

Tony could vaguely hear the words from the other end of the phone, his suspicions confirmed by the accented voice that shouted words too softly to be made out from such a distance. He gave the equivalent of a frown. Why was the limey calling Alfred so late, especially with the time zone difference? And why was Alfred acting so strange? The earthling's behavior and mannerisms were beyond predictable as they had been the entire time Tony had lived with him. Why had that suddenly changed?

Alfred gave another heavy sigh before leaning back in his chair, "Yeah, Iggy, just… trust me for once... Fine, a second time." He ran a hand through his hair, Nantucket quickly resuming its place after having been momentarily pushed back.

Tony stood in the doorway, attempting to understand Alfred's sudden change in the mood that had been present for several decades. He ruled out a malfunctioning clone; humanity wouldn't be capable of cloning their own, much less the representation of a nation for a long time. There were no changes in Alfred's diet that could produce such a result. The answer logically lay with whatever the annoying Englishman was telling Alfred.

Tony nearly jumped when Alfred shot up out of his chair, climbing to his feet and throwing a silent hand in the air in his "heroic victory" pose. He let out a laugh, "That'd be freakin' amazing, dude!" There was a sort pause in which Alfred quietly danced about the kitchen. "I got it! Nine o'clock! And a hero is never late!" he laughed, finally picking up Texas and slipping it on his face after he nearly collided with a cabinet that he barely spotted in time. He hung up the phone and threw it on the table, once again forgetting that the blasted thing needed to be placed on the charger, before he laughed loudly.

_Is it possible for a nation to lose their minds…? _Tony theorized that it was _not_ possible since the whole lot of them seemed crazy enough to begin with. If not insanity, were the other countries right about the ill effects of ingesting too many hamburgers? Perhaps it was just an earthling thing. Why, then, had Tony never seen him act as such? There was much research to be done on this new facet of earth life.

Alfred froze in his dancing when he spotted Tony peeking into the kitchen. "Whatcha doin' there, Tony?" he asked, almost looking guilty.

"Hungry," was Tony's response before he marched his way to the fridge and pulled out a soda and a chocolate bar. He looked at the phone and then back up at Alfred.

Said earthling grinned, "Guess I was gone for a while, huh? Sorry 'bout that."

Tony waved it off, "I won."

Alfred blinked before he pouted, "Aw, man! You kept playing without me?"

Tony nodded, leaving the room, "Night."

Alfred, looking confused and a bit disappointed, gave a slow wave, "Uh… Night, Tony."

After returning to his room, Tony seated himself in front of the large computer set up that he'd forbidden Alfred from touching. There had to be some sort of logical explanation for Alfred's strange behavior. So, Tony turned to the best source of information regarding earth life: the internet.

After a full night's search turned up nothing, the alien had given up for the night and gone to sleep thinking that, perhaps, whatever was ailing Alfred's mind would cure itself by the time he woke up. However, the minute he woke up, Tony was well aware that something was wrong.

America, Alfred F. Jones, had a silent house.

He got up and walked into the kitchen, the most likely place to find Alfred at any given point in the day.

No Alfred. He tried Alfred's room next. The American _did_ enjoy sleeping until the later hours of the morning. Tony quickly found that he wasn't there, either. After searching the house and finding no trace of the loud earthling, he simply shrugged and went back to Alfred's room to find the jar of money that was specifically saved for hamburger emergencies. Tony reached up and grabbed the jar off of the desk, finding it oddly light. He shouted a curse when the jar turned out to be completely empty. Then again, that _would_ explain why Alfred had randomly vanished.

He shrugged and returned to the kitchen to dig through the fridge for left overs. That is where he found _it_.

The note was tacked up on the fridge. Alfred's messy scrawl was scribbled across the surface of the paper that was hanging by the magnetic Captain America clip. Tony ripped the paper down, already angry from the hamburger-provider's absence, the lack of funds, and his missing the note in the first place.

It simply read:

"_Tony!_

_I'm out with Arthur. Be back around eleven. Have fun,_

_Alfred. _

_P.S. I took the emergency money to get Iggy a freakin' awesome gift. Hope you don't mind!"_

Tony crumbled the note up, cursing. England could laugh at Tony. He could yell at Alfred. He could even try to strangle Alfred. But the minute he stole Tony's burger-providing meal ticket, he'd crossed the line.

_This means war, limey, _Tony silently vowed. And Tony didn't like to play fair.


	2. Recognizance: The First Date

**Hello and welcome to the second installment of ****The Hamburger Crisis****! I wanted to say thanks for the reviews and favorites because they are amazing. Anyway, without further stalling, here is the next chapter!**

**And, unfortunately, I am not awesome enough to own Hetalia or any characters involved… **

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><p><em><span>Recognizance <span>_

**_. . ._**

It was official; humans—and thereby nations, since they were the personification of the humans that lived in said nation—had to be the most convoluted and backwards creatures in the universe. And, as the internet and a romantic blog written by France had so thoughtfully explained, human romances and courtships were the strangest things that Tony had ever encountered.

According to France, attraction was sometimes characterized by various forms of loud arguments, a refusal to agree on much of anything important, and occasional bouts of violence. Thinking back, had Tony previously cared to research into the subject, he would have noticed the problem and corrected it before it managed to grow to this stage. But, that boat had come and gone and now Tony was stuck with an even bigger problem. The problem, of course, being that Alfred, already having to scrounge for money, was wasting what little he had left on the most ridicules gifts Tony had ever seen for England, causing Tony's burger supply to dwindle down to almost nothing. _That_ was a _big_ problem.

The beginning had been simple enough. Alfred hadn't been gone very long, and Tony managed to catch up with the country before he even reached his and England's previously arranged rendezvous spot thanks to his ship with its cloaking device and the tracker he'd placed on Alfred years ago without the country's knowledge. Honestly, it wasn't illegal… on Tony's planet, anyway. Besides, he never knew if he'd have to use it to save Alfred's ignorant backside, which was basically what he was using it for at the moment. Alfred seemed too oblivious to realize that Tony's burger supply was a matter of national importance. Not to mention the fact that the country could actually be in danger of having to cut back on the mountain of burgers he ordered daily.

So, Tony watched, gathering recognizance and checking to see if the American happened to do something predictable to anger England and send him packing without Tony actually having to interfere. And, that was around the time that Alfred stopped and parked the car at a shop to pick up the clipped carcasses of brilliant red flowers bound together with a blue bow around the stems. Tony gave the equivalent of a scowl at the waste of good burger money. What was the logical purpose of cutting up a plant and giving it to someone, anyway? Not to mention the fact that the little blossoms had rather nasty thorns. Tony was certain that it was a violent gesture. Had he been proven wrong? Was America going to fight with England again?

Alfred reached the hotel and slipped inside. Tony flipped on a small switch which displayed a screen where he could watch what was going on from the mircocamera he'd secretly installed in Alfred's glasses, Texas; they were yet another precaution for Alfred's safety and not anything illegal… on Tony's planet. Hey, at least Tony was a kind alien who looked out for his friend's safety.

The American walked up the stairs, muttering something about losing weight. When he reached the proper floor, he looked down at a paper written in his messy scrawl. He approached the door with the same number and drew in a deep breath before knocking. Tony could almost hear the dumb smile he knew was creeping up on Alfred's face.

After a few minutes, the door opened and a rather irritated looking Brit looked up at Alfred. He held up a watch and tapped it once for effect, "You're late, git." _Late? Why would a meeting be scheduled to declare war?_ Tony pondered.

There was a rustle and Alfred held the fresh rose corpses out, "Yeah… But I got ya something, so that totally makes up for it!" _If not a declaration of war…_ Tony mentally groaned; it was the exact opposite of a war declaration.

England narrowed his green eyes at Alfred before sighing and muttering about a "long day ahead," "Let's just go, shall we?"

Tony couldn't see Alfred's facial reaction, but his hand still held out the flowers in bright red bloom. "Come on, Iggy, I'm tryin' my best!" he whined.

England snatched the flowers away, hissing a "stay put" before vanishing into the room for a minute. When he returned, the flowers were gone. The wasted burger money made Tony angry in the first place, and the fact that the ungrateful country didn't even want them made his fury worse. England walked into the hall and closed the door behind him. Alfred held out an arm only to receive a light glare as England walked off to the stairs. Sighing, Alfred caught up with a couple of quick strides. Perhaps the roses were a negative declaration after all…

After two minor arguments, a good deal of Alfred's nervous and random chatter, and a hefty portion of awkward silence, they arrived at a small café on foot. Unable to keep his invisible craft hovering in the middle of the street, Tony parked it behind the building and began to put on his human disguise.

. . .

Alfred tapped his feet nervously, ordering his third cup of coffee as he glanced at Arthur who seemed to be far more interested in the menu. "So… The new Avengers movie is coming out soon," he tried for at least the fifth time to break the silence, "It's gonna be freakin' awesome. Have ya seen the preview? It's _epic_!"

Arthur took a sip of tea before he addressed Alfred, "I don't care much for superheroes or American movies."

Alfred sighed for the fifth time before glancing around the café. His eyes caught on a particular customer. "Hey, Iggy, does that guy look kinda familiar to you, too?" he asked, pointing to the short man with a thick black mustache and a rather sickly skin tone. The man in question was also sporting a thick raincoat, a matching hat, sunglasses, and a suit that looked like it was tailor made to his size.

Arthur raised a rather large brow, "Don't point, Alfred, it's rude." Nevertheless, Alfred saw his green eyes wonder towards the customer before his brows turned up a bit. "Now that you mention it, he does look vaguely familiar," he admitted, "That's odd."

The man in question turned his head towards the pair before lifting up the middle of what looked to be only three fingers. Leaving pair stunned, he turned back to his newspaper and kept reading.

"That was weird…" Alfred laughed nervously before beginning to try and get Arthur to talk, completely forgetting the strange man was even there.

. . .

Tony narrowed his eyes as he glanced away from the newspaper to see the earthlings too busy arguing again to figure out who he was. Sure, it was a crude disguise, but Tony was low on funds and, besides, it really didn't take much to fool the nations. In all honesty, he could have stayed outside and waited for the pair to leave without missing anything but the headache that he slowly felt coming on.

After exactly forty-three minutes, seventeen seconds and three minor arguments, Alfred paid the bill, much to Tony's annoyance, and they left. Tony sighed and returned to his ship, taking off his disguise before following after them.

They walked to the park next. Alfred was displaying signs of being much more at ease when they sat down on a bench in front of the rest of the picturesque landscape. England also noticeably relaxed, even going as far as to lean lightly against Alfred's side. After a few minutes, the American yawned, skillfully slipping his previously stretching arm over the back of the bench and snuggly against England's back. Tony leered. What happened to Alfred saying something stupid? Why was it that the _one_ time Tony actually wanted him to say something offensive to England, he wouldn't? In fact, if nothing else, it almost seemed as if Alfred had been going way out of his way to please the Brit, which was _not_ a positive in Tony's book.

When things went downhill, they went downhill fast. Not only did they relax, they started talking and laughing. Sure, it wasn't such a problem if Alfred was the only one laughing, but England joined in with soft chuckles that eventually became a full laugh.

After an hour of actually getting along, they got up and headed out to get Alfred a hotdog or, more realistically, three. This time, England offered to pay, but Alfred insisted that "the hero should pay," once more angering Tony. The pair walked around until they returned to the hotel. Alfred grabbed a bag and they went back into the hotel room to change for dinner.

Tony resented the fact that the American had actually dressed up. There was only one logical conclusion: they _weren't_ going to McDonalds to eat off of the dollar menu. Tony tailed them to their destination, Alfred choosing to take the car instead of walking this time. The second Tony laid eyes on the establishment, he was fairly certain there was steam rolling off of his head. Surely Alfred wasn't going to pay the bill for _that_?

Tony stayed in the craft fuming while they ate. He didn't even want to see the bill. Instead, he got out his phone and started talking to his cousins about how stupid his host was. That's around the time that one of his cousins-the galactic conqueror, suggested that Tony sabotage the relationship. The more he thought about it, the better it sounded. The fact that they seemed to be enjoying themselves would make the break all the worse, meaning that the Brit would leave Alfred and his wallet alone forever. It was perfect!

When the pair left and Alfred got out to say goodbye for the evening, Tony was careful to listen closely for the date of their next meeting. It turned out to be in two days. That was plenty of time for Tony to acquaint himself better with Earth culture regarding dating and courtship. It was all too perfect!

Tony cringed when Alfred crushed the smaller man into a hug before hopping back into his car and driving off with a wave and a shout of "Bye, Iggy!" The Brit blinked and watched the car leave as though he were as confused as Tony. However, there were the unmistakable traces of pink that crept their way across England's cheeks. Tony slammed his hand against the control console with a curse. There was no way he was going to let this go on!

. . .

Luckily, Tony's ship was significantly faster than Alfred's car and Tony got home first. He quickly turned on a videogame and made it look as though he'd been stationed in front of the TV all day. Alfred burst through the door, laughing, "Tony, the hero's home!"

Tony didn't say anything as he watched the country dance his way into the living room. _Is he intoxicated? _he pondered, watching the American throw his fists up in the air. "Man, you've got no idea how freakin' amazing my day was!" he laughed, dropping on the couch, "It was totally heroic and awesome."

Tony scoffed, shooting a zombie that he could have sworn had abnormally large brows and an English accent. Oh, he knew just how "heroic" and "amazing" that bill was going to be.

"You okay?" America asked, concern clearly showing in his blue eyes.

Tony leered at him before holding out his hand, "Hamburger money. Now."

Alfred blinked before leaning up to dig in his pocket for his wallet. He flipped through it before he gave a loud, nervous laugh, "Dude, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm broke for now."

Tony kept leering at Alfred while he turned the game off. Alfred kept laughing nervously, looking as though he were honestly a bit scared. Without a word, Tony stomped his way up to his room before looking up Francis' blog, vaguely hearing the American let out a breath in relief. This was going to end or he was going to kill England, and he really didn't care which came first.


	3. Sabotage, Round 1: The Health Inspector

**Hello again! I'm kind of frightened because I'm updating fairly regularly… O.o Anyway, I'm thinking about doing a few little contests and those will be in the footnotes after the chapter is finished so I'll have a little more time to think about them while I write, so feel free to check those out. A special thank you to my reviews and readers, and I hope you enjoy!**

**Oh. Yeah, I don't own Hetalia or the characters involved no matter how much I wish I did.**

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><p><em>Sabotage, Round 1: The Health Inspector and Football<em>

Earth's romantic culture, Tony learned, was actually completely different than what France portrayed it as in his blog. Apparently nations did _not_ fall into the category of normal in that category, either. Roses were supposed to be a sign of deep affection, yet England-stupid creature he was-didn't want them. Or... he didn't _seem_ to want them. That was probably the most confusing part to Tony: the mixed signals.

Either way, no one could accuse him of slacking on his homework in the past two days. The floor of his room was littered with articles and books pertaining to Earth courtships, written by earthlings and ever a few observes from Tony's planet (as it turned out, they were just as baffled as Tony). He'd poured himself into his reading, trying desperately to ignore the empty feeling that a hamburger would have replaced and failing each time. The longer he waited, the angrier he grew. He avoided Alfred for the majority of the past two days, pretending as though he were sick or something, which did actually concern the nation. He had a feeling he really would be sick if he didn't get a burger soon.

Finally, the day of the meeting arrived, and Tony was ready.

Armed with his trusty disguise, he followed left when he heard Alfred's car pull out and got into his ship to follow. Like any intelligent being, he had a plan B if the first plan didn't work out as well as he'd planned.

They were supposed to go to a café for breakfast, walk to a park, watch a soccer game (France had suggested that Alfred take the wretched burger-thief to his favorite game), and head home. Tony had picked out new disguise and conveniently temporarily…reassigned the health inspector that was scheduled to visit that day and created a new ID card. All he had to do was pour a tiny amount of liquor from his planet into the Alfred-thief's drink and watch chaos unfold. After all, the Brit was known for his low tolerance and insanity related to alcohol.

And, if that failed, Tony had a cousin on earth who was a scout for some intergalactic peace organization positioned out by the soccer field. If Tony gave him the signal, his cousin would make sure that the two star players were… temporarily incapacitated. The plans were fool proof, really.

It was easy enough to park the ship behind the café, cloak it, and dawn his newest disguise. This time, it was a tacky blue and red stripped button shirt paired with black slacks and polished back dress shoes. He'd managed to find a short black wig which he decided looked better with his hat from the previous disguise. He also picked up a fake mustache that some weird, shouting Italian had dropped the day before. As usual, he covered his large eyes with a pair of dark sunglasses.

Plan Drunken Rampage was a go.

Tony walked right back into the kitchen and flashed his ID without a word. Immediately, there was a buzz of activity in the small kitchen, some of which involved shoving messed back behind shelves and trying to clean up in the most discreet ways possible.

"Hello, there, Mr. Health Inspector..." one of the cooks greeted nervously, "How are you today…?"

Tony shoved his ID back into his pocket and walked around without a word, leaving the frightened chef to follow right behind him, praising the ground he walked on as though his life depended on it. He had to locate the tea before it was sent out… And the idiot babbling behind him wasn't making that easy.

Tony slowly turned around to face the chef, holding up one hand in a gesture for silence. It worked. He turned back to look around the kitchen. That's when he spotted the familiar cup of coffee with a disgusting cup of tea next to it. It was headed out of the door!

"Stop!" Tony demanded, pointing to the poor, terrified waitress who held the drinks on a platter. She froze in place—save for the trembling—and looked down at Tony as though he'd just bitten the head off of a small animal.

"Y-Yes, sir…?" she asked, watching him carefully.

He motioned for her to come forward. She jumped a bit, but managed to take slow, careful steps towards Tony. When she stopped in front of him, he pointed to the tray. She lowered it to his height, still trembling. Tony was honestly impressed that she hadn't managed to spill a drop with the miniature earthquake going on with the platter.

He picked up the tea and looked in it. Sure enough, it was the Alfred-thief's favorite flavor. Thinking quickly, he pointed to the far wall, effectively turning every head in the kitchen. While the idiots were distracted, he skillfully dropped the three beads of liquid into the cup. He was amused by how seemingly innocent they were, just mixing quietly with the tea.

When everyone's attention finally returned to Tony, he sat the tea back on the platter and walked right out of the door without a word, even as the chef begged for a result. Tony couldn't inspect a restaurant. What was the guy, stupid? Tony wasn't a health inspector.

Resisting the urge to cackle evilly, Tony returned to his ship, peeled off his disguise, and maneuvered the craft to watch the scene play out though the window with sound coming from the feed through Texas.

It only took the Alfred-thief a few minutes to sip down the whole cup of tea. Throughout the process, Alfred was far too busy talking about a new videogame, his expressions animated and his arms making large gestures to explain how you apparently get to kill your opponents to notice how his company's face seemed to get more and more flushed as the drink disappeared or how his eyelids were beginning to loll lazily.

Tony let himself laugh. It was working!

Right until England's head hit the table with a _thud_.

Tony froze with one fist in the air in a gesture of a perceived victory. What just happened…? The Alfred-thief was supposed to be out of his mind, not unconscious.

Alfred was obviously just as shocked as Tony. He stopped, midsentence to look down at his former guardian whose forehead was now seemingly plastered to the table. If Tony wasn't so angry at this sudden development, he would have found the scene comical. Alfred even had his arms thrown up in the air as he was caught in the middle of explaining how there was apparently a rain of debris when the player gets to wreak a spaceship.

He waited long enough to blink about five times before he retracted his hands and began to pat England on the head, "Hey… dude, you okay? Iggy? Come on, Iggy, are you alright? Hey, Iggy! You okay, old man?" He continued patting England's head and inquiring about his health, despite not getting a response, for roughly ten minutes. For the duration of that time period, the Brit didn't move an inch.

_Did I actually kill him…?_ Tony wondered, watching the still form.

He was a bit disappointed when he heard the Brit groan and saw him stir. The older nation picked his head up and held it with one hand, his eyes squeezed shut. "Alfred…? What happened?" he asked, looking groggy, "I feel… as though I have a bloody hangover."

Alfred kept watching England with large, blue eyes before he burst into laughter, pointing at the British man's forehead and the rather large red mark that was now seated in the center of it, "Dude! That totally reminds me of the time Canadia got a maple leaf tattooed on his forehead! Oh! I know what to do!" He proceeded to rummage around in the pocket of his bomber jacket.

England's large brows drew together while he held his head, his elbows propped up on the table. "What are you talking about, you blasted git?" he asked, his voice quiet, as though speaking hurt his head, "Who is Canadia?"

"Canadia, Canada, Matthew, Mattie? Ringin' any bells for ya?" Alfred listed while starting to search a different pocket, "My brother up north? Man, you must have hit your head pretty hard. Did ya have a aneurism, old man?"

"That's "_an_ aneurism" and I am _not_ old!" England hissed before cringing and holding onto his hair even tighter.

Alfred finally found what he was looking for, judging by the expression on his face. He fiddled with whatever it was (Tony didn't have a good vantage point on it) and finally looked to England with a victorious smile, "I've got some headache powder."

The Brit held out his hand without opening his eyes, and Alfred handed it over. He quickly drowned it down, stealing Alfred's coffee. All the while, Alfred's grin fell and he watched the older nation with a concerned look he likely wouldn't let show if England hadn't had his eyes closed. "Iggy, you okay?" he asked, "I mean, that was really weird."

England nodded, "Yes, I'm fine. I'm not sure what came over me."

"Maybe you should stay at my place tonight," Alfred offered, "It's not cool for a hero to just let ya go home when you're randomly fainting. You could get hurt and nobody'd be there to protect you."

The British nation scowled, cracking open an emerald eye. Whatever retort he seemed to have died on his lips when he saw the concern that Alfred quickly trying to hide with a smile. "I… fine, but if you so much as say a word to the other…" he warned.

Alfred grinned and nodded, "I know, I know. C'mon, Iggy! Let's go! We've still got a whole day!"

Alfred laughed happily, England groan, and Tony slammed his hand against the consul, cursing foully enough to make Romano blush.

Of course, after Plan A fell through so badly, plan B shouldn't have been expected to go smoothly, either. Tony had phoned his cousin who had effectively stunned the star players and hidden them in the storage closet. Alfred and England arrived on time, thanks to England who seemed to no longer have a headache, and took their seats in the private stands. The tickets had come as a courtesy from Alfred's boss, as it turned out, and one of his employees who was apparently somewhat aware of the nations' true identities nervously made sure to bring them whatever they wanted. That turned out to be six hotdogs, fully loaded, two orders of French fries (England had cringed at the word), two large sodas, and a cup of tea.

After three hotdogs, two orders of fries, and one large soda, the announcement came that the stars had mysteriously vanished.

Alfred pouted while England shouted, clearly upset that his favorite game had been interrupted. And that's when Alfred had the idea. "Let's go home and watch a scary movie!" he suggested. England shrugged and agreed, not really caring much anymore.

Tony hit the consul again, cursing.

It was official, Tony decided, as he listened to Alfred shouting and ranting about evil TV's, presumably clinging to his former guardian who was demanding that Alfred get off of him: Tony needed help. Obviously, his plans were only encouraging that pair of them. He needed someone who was underhanded and evil… Someone who knew everything there was to know about earth courting… Someone with a personal grudge against England that rivaled his own…

Tony needed France.

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><p><strong>So, there it is! Anyway, as I promised, I have a few contests up for anyone who wants to give them a shot. <strong>

**1. For anybody willing to sketch Tony in either of his costumes: I will write a one-shot on the topic of your choosing (at least 3000 words).**

**2. For review number 10: I will write a one-shot on the topic of your choosing (once again, about 3000 words).**

**3. For review number 20: I'll write a two-shot, once again on the topic of your choosing!**

**There you have it! If you're interested in the first one, send me a PM or something. And I'll let you guys know who gets the prizes when we get a winner for two and three. **


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